A fellow writer and cansurvivor calls it scanxiety. That time period that cancer patients go through from the time we start into the testing period until we have the results. I get “spun up” every time, though I must take a pause and give myself a break. My therapist helped me recognize that I did better than previous times. Awareness is key.
Memories of those previous times are what haunt me. Staying positive, telling myself and everyone around me that I am well, and then having gone into the doctor to find that I am not as well as I thought I was. As much as I try to stay positive and trust, it takes work – constantly. “Be in the moment” I am reminded. This is an exercise in many virtues. I always try to stay on the positive side of life, knowing that everything is going to be ok. To know that and to feel that turn out to be two different things. I know I am well, yet there is fear in the unknowing. As I analyzed this, I realized I was depending on someone outside of myself to tell me I am fine.
So on that Friday evening when I listened to the receptionist tell me that my appointment had ben rescheduled, I allowed myself to feel the emotions. Anger, disappointment, frustration, and yes, lack of control. I had worked so hard to ensure everything was organized for the best results. Having to wait was not what was best for me! Whaaa. As I worked through my feelings I was reminded of my 91 year young aunt who tells me, “if you can’t do something about it, don’t worry about it.” The oncologist office doesn’t even answer their phone on Friday so I knew I just had to allow and do whatever I could on Monday morning. I called on Monday morning at 7:45 am. They had already given my appointment away. I would have to stick with the Oct. 2nd appointment. Resignation, a big sigh and the business of getting on with living because I couldn’t do anything else about the delay in seeing the oncologist. So many lessons that will turn to blessings if I love myself through this is what I kept focusing on.
On October 2nd, the person that came into the exam room to give me the results of my tests was a nurse practitioner, it wasn’t even my oncologist. I expressed my concern that I had expected to see my oncologist to which the nurse practitioner told me “She’s very busy so I was assigned to you”. After a brief discussion I decided that nothing happens by mistake. This is just as it should be. I have been feeling like I don’t want to go down this path any more. I am well. I am grateful western medicine kept me alive while I got to the real core of the cancer source. I explored and started healing my shadow side, finding unconditional self-love and really digging deep to heal the hurts that cause the blockages which created the cancer. And I am finished with it. Getting the nurse practitioner instead of the oncologist made me realize again, I am well. Only the really sick ones get to see the oncologist.
Back to my long awaited appointment, deciding to make the best of it, I quickly started analyzing why I was there in that office that day. It was to get the results of the scans from a professional and talk with the oncologist about my immune system. And for someone to tell me I am well. What I am is tired of telling health professionals my background of health issues. My file, which she brought in with her, was probably five inches thick. I asked her if she had reviewed my case. Her response was that she had read the scans.
She basically started reading word for word from the reports. Hmmm. I asked a couple of questions, which she didn’t know the answers to, and the rest of the questions I might have had for my oncologist went out the window. It is interesting in retrospect to watch how “little Jackie” responded by shutting down. I felt the appointment was of no use. I had already put it out to the Universe that I was “done with western medicine”. I was ready to get up and walk out. I’ll have to go back and review the recording because in my mind, as I think back, it was just a blur of “Ok, I am done, I want out of here!”
I am reminded to be careful what we ask for, we just might get it. ;). A couple weeks later the dermatologist office that I had an appointment with later on in the month called to talk about my vaccination records. When I told them I am not taking the experimental injection they said I must have a “negative COVID test within 72 hours of the appointment” my response, “You can just cancel my appointment”. Yes, My body mind and spirit is moving back into the form of medicine that feels best for me. Natural medicine, herbs, alternative treatments and a continued connection with spirituality that keeps my vibrations high.
Unconditional Self Love brings a new type of responsibility into my existence. I am responsible to myself to follow what is right for me. I was allowed the gift of time and space while western medicine kept me alive to get my spiritual side in order. Which has meant learning to love myself unconditionally. My lessons continue. I get to learn, experience and evolve into my authentic self. The woman who believes that health does not come from a bottle or pill. I know many things, now will I exercise that wisdom? As I count my blessings, let them be the lessons I have learned as I apply them to life as I continue to lovingly create awesome.