I have an inner child who thinks she has been abandoned, abused, neglected and to a certain degree that is true. But today she is safe, she no longer has to worry about the big tall man pulling his belt out of it loops to beat on her when she was eight years old. She also is learning that the abandonment she felt from her biological father and mother was part of everyone’s lessons. They needed to learn about love instead of control. I continue to learn through my own self healing, some of the challenges they were both dealing with.
On one side, a lifetime, generations actually, of alcohol abuse. Functional alcoholics are an interesting breed, as well as coming from one genetically, having been one in the past, I have loved and lived with men that were as well. Children live what they learn. From what I have seen, we are hard working, always trying to prove that we are ok, even when we are not.
On the other side is broken family, not by divorce, but by death. Mom’s mom died when she was only four and she and her siblings were split up, two going west from Missouri, two staying behind. Both sets going to grandparents for several years. Eventually they were reunited to be raised by an “evil step mom/aunt”. I don’t know what the emotional history was on that side of the family and at this late stage may never know. That generation was raised not to talk about family problems. Keep a stiff upper lip and the skeletons in the closet.
People often talk about how we just have to “get over it”, those childhood traumas. We can’t go on blaming our parents forever. Well, I don’t blame them anymore. Though it took me a long time to realize they did the best they could. I have also realized we all do. No one has walked in my shoes so they don’t know what I’ve felt, experienced, dreamed or lost. I haven’t walked in anyone else’s shoes either. I am learning to have more compassion for myself so I can have more empathy for others.
As I have traveled this path of healing I have found that I am not unique. Many people suffer with the little inner self that needs love. When we didn’t get it as a child during those formative years, it does effect us until we learn how to love all the parts of us. The insecure little child, the bratty child who needed attention and didn’t get it, the scared little child, how many parts are there? That may be a topic for another time as I’m still discovering and trying to embrace and love all the parts.
My little self inside gets triggered when she feels abandoned, taken advantage of, or one of her long carried beliefs is challenged. It has been a long difficult road helping her heal. With each amazing healing modality, another piece of her shattered puzzles come together a little more. I do believe we create our lives for the lessons we need to learn this time around. This has been a huge lesson, learning to love all of me.
Just a few short weeks ago, my little self was triggered by a friend dying. My little self had wanted to die from an early age. I can’t remember at what age that feeling first started. I don’t know if I want to explore it even, I just have lots of memories of wishing I was dead because no one loved me anyway. Wow, that is a trigger for that little inner one. We have to feel it to heal it, ouch! Tonight I put my hand on my heart and I tell my little one that it’s ok. I really am loved and always was. I never was alone, I just felt that way. Feeling are OK. It’s what we do with them that makes the difference in regards to are we taking the easy road or the hard road, the high road or the low road. I’ve got this now and we are taking the high road.
Today I am learning to stay totally present, in this space of a day from when I open my eyes till they fall shut at night. Last night, little one got triggered. I tried several techniques to calm her but what worked was a friend who said, “Vent away. I hear you.” Today, when I was actually faced with the situation that had triggered the little one, it was a non issue. I had wasted time and energy on non-sense.
Breathwork is one of the main modalities that has helped me in healing this sad little inner child. I have been practicing it (and crying my eyes out as needed) for a couple of years with three different and gifted facilitators.
Tonight’s healing practice included cacao to “open up the heart to the love”. I had set my intention to let my little one know that it’s ok, I love her. I’ll protect her. I’ll help her. Nothing is as it seems. None of these things that trigger her really matter. Sitting with the feeling that even that statement in itself almost triggered her. It’s ok to let it roll off our back like water on a ducks back. Go with the flow. At one point in time someone had asked “What difference will it make 10 years from now?”
At the breathwork session, with the intention set, the facilitator started guiding us into the breathing. Instantly little one tightened up, ready to resist this thing that she doesn’t know well – feeling safe. My true self, that I have grown into, was able to embrace her and let her know that all is well. She really is safe, loved, cared for and really special for all she has survived. Many people wouldn’t have had the resilience to persist in looking that deep, loving that deep. I am so grateful I was finally able to do it.
A year or so ago I had made a “pinch pot” little cup. It was made with love for the woman I was starting to change into. I was healing my heart as I worked on it. At the time I made it, I felt it would be used for something special, ceremonial. It has been sitting on my alter amongst my crystals. Today when I was preparing items to take to the breathwork event, I was drawn to take that little cup. The cacao sharing was beautiful. Much love was connected from our hearts to the cacoa we held in our cups in our hands. It was a powerful tool towards moving all of us there into that open heart space to do the deep work of self healing.
I will now dedicate that little cup as my healing cup. When my little self gets triggered and on the monkey wheel, I will give her a loving time out. Using the beautiful little cup, with heart opening cacao in it, and a few dried rose petals for garnish for an extra dose of love, it will allow time and love to let her know she is safe. We won’t be wasting time on things we can’t change, thank you to my dear Aunt Lola for that reminder from her heavenly perch.
May all beings be safe, may all beings feel love.
I am going to sleep really well tonight, loving my little self.