Am I Strong Enough – Part 3

Somewhere along my path I learned to face fear rather than hide from it. I recently took a class in energy work that focuses on folks who either have covid or are suffering from the effects of the experimental injection. I am not willing to be in fear of covid (NO, I will not capitalize it as it does not deserve the respect). I believe that everyone has to do what is right for them when it comes to health care choices. And until the recent mandate, we have had the choice of how we handle our own health care. I know I have made my own choices. I do every day with my choices in diet and whether to exercise and/or meditate or not. There is also what we put into our body via watching the news, exploring the internet, listening to music, watching tv. We all make our own choices and are faced with the consequences of those choices.

I am avoiding writing about this as I don’t yet know how I feel about it. Or shall I say I haven’t dealt with the feelings that are coming up over it. That is more to the core of my avoidance behavior. I have wanted to write this story, and have been trying to figure out how to approach it. My feelings are all mixed up with how I feel about a lot of things, not just this individual situation. I have been angry and that has blocked me from writing. It has not stopped me from processing and that is what needed to happen first.

My second covid client came to me via a friend, her son-in-law. To protect their privacy I’m going to call him Tim. Tim and his family were exposed to covid and tested positive in August. Tim’s symptoms got worse over the next couple of weeks while his two daughters, nine and twelve, felt crappy for a couple of days then bounced back to their playful energetic selves. The wife, we’ll call her Annie, wasn’t feeling well but wasn’t taking it as hard as Tim.

Tim got to the point where he was having difficulty breathing and went into the hospital. I was sending prayers, holding him in the light of healing. He ended up with pneumonia and then on a ventilator. This was about the point where my friend asked if I could do energy work for Tim. In the next several weeks I did several energy sessions on Tim. The second one was an amazingly beautiful session where my friend joined in over zoom to add her loving energies. During that session I could really feel the energy surging and being directed at Tim. His forty fifth birthday was in a few days and I felt confident that our loving conduit of energy was going to help him. One of the things that I know without a doubt from energy work is, it knows where it needs to go. His high temperature broke that day but came back days later as his body was struggling with one infection or system breakdown after another. Annie only heard from the doctor once a day, usually sometime during the evening, and he didn’t have much information to share. She would share that information with her mom who would then pass it along to me.

I did another energy session for him, hoping that the love of his family would help him turn the corner and come back towards health. Annie’s birthday was five days after his. After my third energy session with Tim, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to continue remote sessions. Prayers only were what I was hearing from my spirit guides.

Tim had a cousin who works in an ICU on the mainland. She and Annie were in close contact as Annie struggled to understand what the doctors were doing with her husband. Not being able to be with our loved ones in times of medical trauma adds another level of difficulty. Tim’s personal belongings were sent home as they weren’t needed in the medically induced coma he was in.

Tim’s mother-in-law is a very wise and astute woman. She understood that my energy work and her prayers where making it easier for Tim to let go. His body was failing. He had co-mobidities, some stemming from a major accident he had had as a young man. Tim’s parents came from the mainland when the doctors told Annie there wasn’t anything else western medicine could do for him.

Tim did not have a DNR so he would remain on the medical equipment that was keeping him alive. I am the forever PollyAnna. It probably stems from my own childhood trauma. I wanted Tim to live and come home to his family, like my first client had been able to. I have been faced with death numerous times and am not afraid of death, but didn’t want it to come knocking at this families door.

Along with his two daughters, he also has an adult son with his nine month old granddaughter. Grief still washes over me for the family. I was in denial of what I saw happening before me. Along with that grief came a great amount of love as I watched this family deal with this most traumatic situation. The family had to make the decision to take Tim off of the life sustaining equipment. Annie and the parents worked through that difficult decision and then allowed the 23 year old son the additional time he needed to come to terms with saying good bye to his dad. Tears run down my face as I feel this families love and pain and back around to love. Not long after the equipment was turned off, Tim’s body rested.

This has really hit me hard. I know I’m not God and didn’t have the expectation that I could “save” Tim. Being honest though, I really wanted to make a difference. I have had to revisit grief and all I don’t understand about it. I’ve had recognize and embrace free will, divine will, and soul contracts. I’ve come to understand a bit more that the events around death, the viewings, memorials and burials are for the living, to come together in love as they struggle with the loss of their loved ones, celebrating the memories and kick starting the healing process.

Am I strong enough to show up? Am I strong enough to hold space? Am I strong enough to allow whatever is meant to be, to just be? Am I strong enough to step into my purpose? Yes, I believe I am, one day at a time, one moment at a time if needed. It’s all about the love. Staying in or coming back into that place of heart centered unconditional love. Standing in the rose gold light of healing love I know that I AM. Strong enough to reflect love, Yes, I AM.