Oh the clichés and quotes

• “Resistance is futile”
• “What we resist persists”
• “Out of resistance comes strength”
• “On the other side of resistance is the flow ~ Guy Finley”

That last one is the one I needed to hear today.  I have been doing the dance with the cancer machine, western medicine, for five years.  Resistance has been a part of the entire journey.  I was an herbalist who ate organically.  To get cancer seemed unfair, why me? 

Louise Hay’s “You can heal your life” says cancer is caused by deep seated resentments.  When I first heard that I resisted.  How could that be? I have been working on forgiving the people and situations that I resented for a couple of decades.  Then, through this journey called cancer, I learned to let go with love.

I still resist western medicine.  In the beginning, I had to have scans (CT scans, MRI of my brain, PET scans) on a regular basis, as in every three months.  The anxiety of that every time, even after all these years, are not feelings I want to engage in, but which pull me down into the abyss of fear, distrust, and frustration, every time. 

I have been cancer free for two years.  I have had three surgeries, radiation treatment and two years of immunotherapy. I have also worked with a therapist for five years who reminds me that for the most part, the people in the medical world are there to help me. I understand that on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I still feel it is driven by the all mighty dollar.  The cancer industry is big money.  I was blessed to work with a functional doctor/Chinese medicine practitioner who I credit with saving my life.  I would not have done some of these treatments had he not been there at my side encouraging me, assuring me that utilizing western medicine, along with Chinese medicine, was the route that would save my life.  It did, and here I am, able to write about my fears, my resistance.

It is time for the dance, this time, one year out from the last one.  For that I am grateful as I resist this dance. I call it a dance as it requires a series of steps to complete the process.  Sometimes it feels like I am stepping backwards instead of forward.  Sometimes I am sidestepping. Sometimes I am lost in the spin.

The oncologist’s office did not follow through in a timely manner with what they said they would do.  I have fallen through the cracks in the medical system before.  In the past I said “Yes!!  It is a sign from the Universe that I am on the wrong path.”  Oops, that didn’t work out so well, the tumors grew.  So now I know it is time to persist.  Persist in following through and dogging the oncologist’s office, to do what they are supposed to be doing, in order for me to have the appointment, on the schedule we have set up. 

Because I don’t want to do this, my attitude reflects in my voice when I have to call them up time and time again.  I’m reminded of my mother saying “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar”. And my friend, who is an RN, reminding me when I was caring for my dying mother that Mom was was not their only patient.  Being kind goes a long way when lives depend on other people.  I feel that I am naturally a kind person but when it comes to this dance, I forget, I resist. 

That resistance doesn’t propel me forward, it holds me back.  As I write this, I know this, I accept this.  I am reminded to use the tools I have acquired during my spiritual travels that I know for a fact work.  Mediation, tapping, being present in the moment with gratitude, writing to free those thoughts and demons so they can be brought into the light of day. 

Thank you Guy Finley  for reminding me that “On the other side of resistance is the flow”.  So that will be my mantra, the music in my mind, as I do this dance, this time around.