Resistance, Frustration, Persistence, Grace

My astrological sign is a Taurus.  Stubbornness is one of the traits of my sign.  There are times it has helped me and there are times it has created issues for me.   When I don’t get what I want I get frustrated and dig in my heels to do what is necessary to achieve my goals.   Persistence is a complimentary trait to my stubbornness, or so I think.  I have been considered a control freak in the past as I like to be in control of my life and the things around me.  Last year a woman I know said “Jackie gets what Jackie wants.”  I had to stop and think about that.

Being diagnosed with cancer in 2015 brought all of these traits, emotions, actions into full bloom.  I was frustrated that I couldn’t heal myself naturally and quickly.  I was frustrated that I had to depend on western medicine which I really don’t respect and have trust in.  The resistance comes into play every time I have to do the western medicine dance which was every three months and is now all these years later, once a year.  Maybe because of the resistance I am called upon to be even more persistent?

I have fallen through the cracks in the cogs of western medicine, the cancer machine multiple times.  Early on when it happened, I thought it was a sign that I wasn’t supposed to do the horrendous thing they were asking me to do.  And the tumors grew.  So now, when that “check in” time rolls around where I have to go through a series of tests, scans and doctor appointments, in my resistance I am persistent to make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is taken care of. 

This current round of the dance I don’t like began several months ago.  I was supposed to have a pet scan in August followed a day or two later by my doctor’s appointment.  The oncologist’s office called to reschedule my appointment as the oncologist will be on a much needed vacation during the time I was scheduled for.  Ok, I get that.  So we scheduled for earlier, in July.  Because travel in Hawaii was still very much in lockdown at the time they were scheduling these appointments I asked to have ct scans instead of the pet scan, so I could have them done on island and wouldn’t have to travel.  I refuse to have a PCR test done believing what the developer of the test said, “this test is not designed for diagnosing”.  I refuse to be part of the experimental jab.  I had been offered a “trial” in 2016 to which I said NO when I found out what that meant.  Trials mean you don’t know what the side effects of the drug you are given will be. There is no way I am going to be a lab rat in this extravagant manipulation that is currently going on. 

So, my own stubbornness and resistance has created a frustrating situation for me.  It started the first of June when I did not receive the blood tests request that the doctor’s office said they would send out.  That is the first step before any scans can be done.  I requested that they do a variety of tests with the one blood test, like my cholesterol levels, check my thyroid, check my vitamin D level.   Last time they had added a test that in my five years of doing this cancer dance, was the first time.  It was to test my cancer antigens.  So I asked if this test was included again this time which it was not.  I don’t understand the lack of consistency in the medical profession.  It feels half-assed to me.  I have expectations that they are doing all they can for me, but have come to realize they only do that if I am my own best advocate. 

When I didn’t have the blood test requests the first of June I called and requested them.  They sent them over to the lab for me.  A week or so later, after I had already had the blood tests done, the blood tests that they told me would arrive first of June showed up in my mail box.  Once the lab tests were done then came the follow up of asking them to please send the requests for the scans over as quickly as possible so I could get the scans done in time for my doc appointment.  The place where I have scans done is very busy and is scheduled weeks in advance.  They sent the scans over for three ct scans, abdomen, chest, neck and face.  No MRI as usual.  So again I call the doctor’s office to request if it is necessary.  The doctor responded yes so they send that for approval.  I waited for the imaging company to call and schedule my appointment.

I have a nodule on the top of my head that has been determined benign and my primary care physician told me last year, pre-covid, that it could be removed.  When I saw my PCP this yea, I asked to follow up on that as it had fallen through the cracks.  She ordered an ultrasound and referred me to a surgeon.  When the imaging place called to schedule the ultrasound, I also asked them about scheduling the MRI.  They had the order and it had slipped through the cracks as the scheduling person had been on vacation.  Yikes, been here, done that, what the heck.  History repeats itself, even though I am trying to do the best I can to be my own health advocate.

Ultrasound done, appointment with surgeon set for the day after I am scheduled to see my oncologist, which was scheduled for a Monday morning.  The Friday before the appointment, late in the day, I get a message from the doctor’s office that the doctor doesn’t want to see me till after the MRI is done.  Yes I see RED.  I had figured when I saw that the MRI was going to be later in the month, that the doctor could just touch base with me by phone unless there was a problem, which I am pretty sure there is not.  Although, writing about this is making my head ache.   So now I am three more weeks out from seeing the oncologist.  This make two full months of testing, waiting, being in that place of frustration and working not to allow it to be fear.

Because I have been here before, I try to figure out, what is the lesson?  Why is this happening like this?  Is it a reminder to truly trust that I am well and that I really don’t need their tests to tell me I am?  And then the fear kicks in.  I have been in this place before, and I don’t like it!!  I have been positive, visualizing wellness, knowing that all is well, then I go into the doctor after a scan and they find problems.  So, I have lost trust in my own knowing, in my beliefs that I am well, trusting the universe to always have my back.  And then, because I know that the Universe always has my back I feel shame for doubting. 

So what is the lesson?  I am feeling like the lesson is to finish this round with the cancer industry then quit doing the dance.  Trust what I know is best for me and my body.  When I went on the immunotherapy drug Keytruda, they said it “turned off the stops” on my immune system. This means that for the rest of my life my immune system is on high alert.  Part of the reason I am resistant to the experimental jab. If something happens and I develop an issue that threatens to take my life, then I go back to how I felt prior to starting this dance with western medicine, it is my time to go. Resistance is not graceful.  Allowing, trusting, going with the flow is.  Grace is the place I want to be.  Grace is my choice.  It does not come as naturally as resistance, but if I let go of the frustration I can be persistent in achieving grace. I have to believe that and have three weeks to work on that.  Maybe during that time another lesson will provide me clarity on this situation.  Time will tell.  I am persistently resisting but in order to find grace must let go of the frustration.

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